Recently the U.S. Preventative Service Task Force released a recommendation that all women be screened for depression in pregnancy and postpartum. As someone who works in the NICU, I think this a conversation that absolutely needs to happen. I weekly encounter women who are vulnerable to depression. I have seen friends not only struggle with depression and anxiety, but also with where, and how, to find help.
In our culture, there is a lot of pressure for women to bounce right back after labour and get on with the business of motherhood, for moms to “do it all”. I remember proudly taking pictures of my less than 48hr old baby all decked out in her first outfit. She was in her car seat headed to the chiropractor. I was smug in my ability to get her ready and dress in normal clothes. Sure, they were maternity jeans, but I was wearing jeans less than two days postpartum!
I look back at myself and I have to laugh. Going out that soon, in those jeans, is probably what tore open my stitches which led to a long, slow recovery. I cried when I peed for weeks, but hey, I was a rockstar mom, up an at ‘em shortly after labor.
By my second, I had a toddler to chase mere days after, when my husband went back to work, and with my third? With him, I learned my lesson.
When we were faced with breastfeeding issues and I was on the brink of postpartum depression I took a cue from a good friend and staged a “nurse-in” I tucked myself in my room with water and food, a baby and a pump. I let people serve me, I let them care for my kids, bring dinner. I listened to people when they told me they cared and gave advice. I cried a lot and realized that all I could and needed to do right now was sit and be. Naked last baby, skin to skin with my aching breasts. I am grateful that I was in the position to do that. For many women, it’s simply not a choice.
Now don’t get me wrong, I have no love for big pharma. Mindfulness and diet are important. Sometimes, a lot of times, though, they aren’t enough. How can we deny mothers the one thing that might pull them through and enable them to parent their children? Sometimes it takes medication to allow women to get back to a place where they are even capable of eating and caring.
Depression is a thief. A prowler on a dark night, skulking around ready to steal the things that matter to us. It preys on every opportunity. In the few dark weeks after my third was born, I felt it lurking. I was drowning in the shadows. The light through my curtains seemed painful.
When I looked at my baby all I could do was cry. I cried because he was so perfect, I cried because he was hurting me tremendously. I felt like an utter failure. Despite having breastfed my first two and teaching breastfeeding, he kept losing weight. All I could think was “what the hell.” Then I began bottling him, he wouldn’t even take that. I bottle babies for a living! What was wrong with me? All the future seemed to hold was weeks of the hell I was living in, tears, pain, spilt milk and chewed nipple shields. I had a lot of help and I was still losing it. I saw a long dark tunnel with no light at the end.
Little by little as I cracked, light began to spill in. Friends stepped up in droves to support me, my son’s tongue and lip tie was clipped and magically, overnight began to breastfeed normally. My nipples healed and he steadily gained weight. The darkness lifted and I realized I received a teeny taste of what many women suffer through for months, sometimes years. It took a really large village of people supporting me, to even do the basic job of feeding my baby. I felt incapable of anything more.
So while this conversation is happening about depression, I want to be a part of it. It is a vital conversation that needs to happen. Studies have shown that depression can damage families’ relationships causing life long effects. If you have never had postpartum depression, or depression, or even a baby, these women who are suffering are still our sisters, friends, nieces, and daughters. They were our mothers, grandmothers and sometimes they are husbands.
Largely they are suffering in silence because they don’t want to be told to “just get over it.” They don’t feel it’s bad enough to warrant help. They don’t want to appear to be an incapable parent or person. We are taught that pregnancy and new babies are a joyful time and we don’t want to be the abnormal ones. The ones who somehow failed at being happy.
I had a friend who checked herself into emergency, she knew from her nursing background that the thoughts and feelings she had were not normal and not ok. They deemed her not emergent because she wasn’t suicidal. If women are desperate enough to ask for help, they should NEVER be turned away. My friend was educated, well supported and tenacious. She fought, and fought until she got the help she needed. A lot of women will have used up their last nerve to be brave enough to even admit they are in trouble. If you are the friend, the nurse, the doctor that they trust with this information you need to know what to do with it. It takes bravery to be open.
So what can we do? Those of us who realize the importance of talking about depression, but don’t have first-hand experience with it?
Our voices and actions are important. Be aware. Know what to look for when the dark cloud comes creeping. What does sadness look like? What about anger or paralyzing anxiety? It is a delicate topic and needs to be done in ways that empower women to seek help for themselves. Depression is something you can’t fix for someone, you can be beside them while they walk through it. The post When Someone You Love Has Depression from Hey Sigmund has been invaluable to me in changing my “fix it” perspective.
“Few things are as powerful as human connection and anything you can do to nurture that will help to put back what depression strips away.” Karen
One of the strongest vessels for bringing about change is stories. When postpartum depression is stripped down to it’s individual experiences, we can empathize with the human emotion of it. It becomes less clinical. The discussion becomes real people who have cried real tears, they stay with us when we talk about screening and treating. So educate yourself by not only learning about mental illness but absorb the stories of those who have lived it. Share those stories. Talk about it so when women begin to experience depression and anxiety in pregnancy and beyond, they will know they are not alone. They will know that while it is not normal, it is common. That there are people to trust, and confess to that “I can’t do this alone, please help.”
